Monday, March 15, 2004
A Wonderful Weekend That Ended In A Nightmare
This weekend I was an honorary woman at my best friend Rita’s wedding shower. Picture 25 women and me – the superGAYstar of the group. To be honest, I thought that I was going to feel more uncomfortable than I did. In fact, I loved being the only guy. The girls totally treated me like a man (despite the amount of estrogen) and I really felt super special.
I was the one that got to help Rita open her presents. I was the one who held the pole during the piñata game. I was the one that spent the most time with Rita’s family. And I was the one that Rita would look at to find that feeling of home. At one point I pulled her aside and I said “Usually I would need you to reaffirm my friendship with you and its importance during this type of event, but this time I feel it automatically. I feel like it’s happening to you and I at the same time. I feel it and I couldn’t be happier than I am right now.”
Rita’s sister, Jeannie, planned the most amazing wedding shower. It was catered by Dinosaur BBQ which supplied delicious pulled pork sandwiches. I ate 4 within a couple of hours and boy did I enjoy every burp that I had for the rest of the afternoon! Rita raked in some pretty incredible presents as well. It made me totally want to get married. I mean, I could SO use a new set of wooden spoons.
I took my friend Angie with me on the trip. She and Rita have known each other for a couple of years and I thought it would be good for her to get out of the city for awhile. Well, I didn’t expect her to get along with everyone as well as she did. I mean, she was without a doubt the star of the weekend. She had the best jokes, the best hugs, and made it comfortable not only for me to spend time with everyone alone, but as a group as well. At one point, Rita’s family started chanting “Angie for President 2004!” I can’t tell you how proud I was to have her by my side. If I needed anything, Angie was there with support. From talks to favors I needed, she never complained once. In fact, she obliged with nothing but love. Muchly impressed with her.
I also got fitted for my Tux! It looks SO handsome and I could see the joy all over Rita’s face. The wedding is in 7 weeks and I couldn’t be more excited. Her wedding dress is the best I have ever seen. Simple, yet SO elegant. If it weren’t for her fiancé, I think that she and I would look AMAZING standing next to each other at the alter. Except for the no sex on the honeymoon part.
Too short of a weekend for my tastes, but aren’t they all?
Last night when I got home, I immediately climbed into bed with Paul. We had some nice talks and laughs and shoved our faces with pounds of Italian food. Maybe it was the amount I ate before bed or it was the fact that I have so much swirling around my mind, but in any case, this is what I dreamed:
My parents, friends and I were hanging out in my house. I was trying to feed the hamsters when I noticed that they were multiplying. (You may recall that I had a similar dream to this a couple of months ago) There were the cutest little babies and I remember my mom and me playing with them for what seemed like hours. But then…the inevitable…they started coming out of my closets and out from under my bed and they began to bite me over and over.
My parents and I ran away from them and got into the car. Along the trip I became enraged with anger. It felt like an intense burning in my stomach that I couldn’t release in any way other than with physical brutality. I began kicking the door from inside the car. It wouldn’t break off so I began screaming at my mother while repeatedly kicking at the hinges of the door. I remember wishing that I could cry and release the anger that way, but it was physically impossible.
Eventually I broke the door off the car and got out. I then turned around and began kicking the doors to my parent’s car inward. My mother was screaming for me to stop and I continued to let the fury out threw kicking. It was awful. The whole time I was dreaming I tried to make myself calm down, but couldn’t.
When I woke up at 5am this morning, I was covered in sweat and shaking. I immediately lit a cigarette and sat there trying to erase the dream from my head. When I fell back to sleep, I noticed that the hamsters were still multiplying in my head and the dream began all over again.
My alarm went off at 7:30am this morning and I just laid there upset.
Why am I so subconsciously angry?
It definitely gave me a lot to think about today.
Especially after having such a beautifully calm weekend with my best friends.
This weekend I was an honorary woman at my best friend Rita’s wedding shower. Picture 25 women and me – the superGAYstar of the group. To be honest, I thought that I was going to feel more uncomfortable than I did. In fact, I loved being the only guy. The girls totally treated me like a man (despite the amount of estrogen) and I really felt super special.
I was the one that got to help Rita open her presents. I was the one who held the pole during the piñata game. I was the one that spent the most time with Rita’s family. And I was the one that Rita would look at to find that feeling of home. At one point I pulled her aside and I said “Usually I would need you to reaffirm my friendship with you and its importance during this type of event, but this time I feel it automatically. I feel like it’s happening to you and I at the same time. I feel it and I couldn’t be happier than I am right now.”
Rita’s sister, Jeannie, planned the most amazing wedding shower. It was catered by Dinosaur BBQ which supplied delicious pulled pork sandwiches. I ate 4 within a couple of hours and boy did I enjoy every burp that I had for the rest of the afternoon! Rita raked in some pretty incredible presents as well. It made me totally want to get married. I mean, I could SO use a new set of wooden spoons.
I took my friend Angie with me on the trip. She and Rita have known each other for a couple of years and I thought it would be good for her to get out of the city for awhile. Well, I didn’t expect her to get along with everyone as well as she did. I mean, she was without a doubt the star of the weekend. She had the best jokes, the best hugs, and made it comfortable not only for me to spend time with everyone alone, but as a group as well. At one point, Rita’s family started chanting “Angie for President 2004!” I can’t tell you how proud I was to have her by my side. If I needed anything, Angie was there with support. From talks to favors I needed, she never complained once. In fact, she obliged with nothing but love. Muchly impressed with her.
I also got fitted for my Tux! It looks SO handsome and I could see the joy all over Rita’s face. The wedding is in 7 weeks and I couldn’t be more excited. Her wedding dress is the best I have ever seen. Simple, yet SO elegant. If it weren’t for her fiancé, I think that she and I would look AMAZING standing next to each other at the alter. Except for the no sex on the honeymoon part.
Too short of a weekend for my tastes, but aren’t they all?
Last night when I got home, I immediately climbed into bed with Paul. We had some nice talks and laughs and shoved our faces with pounds of Italian food. Maybe it was the amount I ate before bed or it was the fact that I have so much swirling around my mind, but in any case, this is what I dreamed:
My parents, friends and I were hanging out in my house. I was trying to feed the hamsters when I noticed that they were multiplying. (You may recall that I had a similar dream to this a couple of months ago) There were the cutest little babies and I remember my mom and me playing with them for what seemed like hours. But then…the inevitable…they started coming out of my closets and out from under my bed and they began to bite me over and over.
My parents and I ran away from them and got into the car. Along the trip I became enraged with anger. It felt like an intense burning in my stomach that I couldn’t release in any way other than with physical brutality. I began kicking the door from inside the car. It wouldn’t break off so I began screaming at my mother while repeatedly kicking at the hinges of the door. I remember wishing that I could cry and release the anger that way, but it was physically impossible.
Eventually I broke the door off the car and got out. I then turned around and began kicking the doors to my parent’s car inward. My mother was screaming for me to stop and I continued to let the fury out threw kicking. It was awful. The whole time I was dreaming I tried to make myself calm down, but couldn’t.
When I woke up at 5am this morning, I was covered in sweat and shaking. I immediately lit a cigarette and sat there trying to erase the dream from my head. When I fell back to sleep, I noticed that the hamsters were still multiplying in my head and the dream began all over again.
My alarm went off at 7:30am this morning and I just laid there upset.
Why am I so subconsciously angry?
It definitely gave me a lot to think about today.
Especially after having such a beautifully calm weekend with my best friends.
